Nicki Minaj Announces Australian Tour!

I have just read (3 days later) that the one, the only, Ms. Nicki Minaj will be gracing the Australian shores in May this year! As Itty Bitty Piggy repeats itself in the background, fear sets upon me that she will not visit Adelaide. I had the near scare when Britney didn’t announce an Adelaide tour date in 2009 until months later, and am still furious with Lady GaGa for skipping the state.

Adelaide seems to be the forgotten state among touring artists and it’s not easy for us fans living here. Announcing they’re touring the country and building up hype, we become manic in the wait for when we will finally see them. That is, until we don’t get the chance. It seems every other capital city (relevant ones that is – not here for irrelevant Canberra bitches) gets every artist while we sit and mope in a pool of tears.

What’s even worse is the comparison of Australian tours to U.S and European tours. When Britney Spears toured for Circus she had The Pussycat Dolls and Ciara opening her show, and the following tour was opened by the Nicki Minaj. Rihanna had Ke$ha as her before act. The list goes on. In Australia we merely have some soon to crash and burn Australian Idol contender as the opening act, or a good DJ if we’re lucky.

So Ms. Nicki Minaj, if you are one of the three viewers on this blog in the two months, please do not skip Adelaide.

Breaking News: Adelaide didn’t make the cut. 

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Omg lyk r u goin?!

Over my party animal years (1995 – present), I have come to realise a somewhat obvious brag that people do when they are invited to an event they know I’m not going to. I think maybe it’s my secret (by secret I mean obvious) envy that I’m not going that makes me pick up on it even more, but people do it nonetheless.

It begins with me being oblivious that an event is even being held. Yes, I would probably like to know that there is a party on before I ask the awkward “what’s everyone up to this weekend?” and pick-up on it from awkward glances, but the in your face manner is not my style. As I am talking to someone they suddenly ask “Omg. R u goin 2 dat fing on da weekend?!”.

Honey, there is no need to spell it out. You’re invited and I’m not. You can see the guest list on the Facebook event (unless your a 19th century letter hag) and pick up that I’m not invited. If you’re comfortable to ask if I’m going, why not just check the event? It would save us the awkward “oh… I’ll ask for you!” bullshit.Or even worse – when they make it clear they’d rather see a tub of mayo attend the party then you.

God I wish I was a tub of mayo.

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My Rise to Stardom

This time last week I was making history, with me being inducted in the Hollywood “Walk of Fame” this week. Not actually, but I did experience a sense of mini-stardom at Womadelaide.

For those who don’t know what Womad is, it’s ‘World of Music and Dance’ festival, and it’s becoming a tradition for me to go and soak up the sun and cultural sounds. This year, however, my friend had acquired backstage passes – you can tell where I’m going with this.

On the Friday night, I had lost my friends and was stumbling around the ‘mosh pit’ like the hot mess I am. Luckily I came across a group of reporters from the local news station, who I was convinced were my family friends. After a few minutes of introducing and establishing the fact that I merely recognised them from T.V., we were well on our way to breaking down to Chic performing their classic hit ‘Le Freak’.

Throughout the slurs of the lyrics, the inhales of a joint they were passing around and my blurry eyes, I noticed that my new found “celebrity” friends had backstage passes. They apparently were not as ecstatic as me that we could all go backstage together, so it was their loss in the following minutes.

I had made it to the side of the stage when Chic called everyone backstage onstage. I knew that in this moment, my debut performance, I would make a lasting impression on the general public. With no uncertainty I followed some new found 40-something year old female friends onstage and started busting a few moves. Thank God I was under the influence, as I would of never of called one of the singers a “cute little Nicki Minaj” without it.

It felt like seconds, due to a number of factors, and the song was over. I knew I had to get another taste of fame, and I did. If my Chic performance was a bite of the cookie, then I devoured the whole thing on Saturday.

First Aid Kit were performing in the middle of the day, and my friend and I had devised a plan to sneak her backstage with me to meet them. Of course, our drunken conniving plan worked, and we were both within the arms of the two extremely kind ladies. We were in awe of how down to Earth the pair was, and with no hesitation pitched the inevitable  question – “May we come onstage for the encore?”.

My friend and I had decided they were merely being kind to us as their set came to a close, until we heard our names being asked to join the stage. Sprinting to centre stage, we danced our way through the final number with the cheers from the clearly envious crowd motivating us.

After the song we returned of stage with the girls, who we thanked ever so much and got photos with. If there is any chance you girls are reading this thank you so much for that experience, being humble and talented is a hard thing, in which you two posses.

I felt like Britney Spears once I left the stage. Stares from the crowd, people I had not met coming up to me and talking to me, and I felt flattered(?) and awkward at the same time. That was, until, I made friends with someone amazing.

You know those people you become apparent best friends with in one night, then end up never seeing or talking to again? I had that all with my new found BFF Jordan. We hugged, laughed, danced and even passed around yet another joint together. Maybe we will reunite next year?

My final day at the festival, Sunday, was one of the oddest of them all. Unfortunately, I did not make it onstage this day, but someone I had never met did exchange an an odd remark to me. Awaiting the band to take the stage, this male came up to me, handed me a joint and said “I know you smoke”.

Excuse me kind(?) Sir, I do smoke, but I don’t think I appear as the pot-head type. Maybe he was a stalking fan over the previous days, or maybe he just assumed that a male teenager would smoke weed at Womad.

..Or maybe I merely radiate “faggot” and pot-head?

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Welcome to Wonderland

It’s no secret that surfing the net is a form of escapism. That is why I love YouTube so much – you experience the emotions of ones own journeys from the comfort of your own home. Here is a collection of my top ten videos from YouTube.

1. The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger (original narration by Randall)

This video screams hilarious.  Whether it’s Randall’s voice or the stupidity in what he is saying, I love it.

2. Asian Boy Dances to Burlesque Christina Aguilera

Maybe I have a thing for videos that scream homosexuality? Either way, it’s hard to deny this boy has some fierce moves and he worked well for his budget with the special effects.

3. Radar (before ‘smokey’ blackout) Britney Spears

Go to 2:40 for this clip. Britney Spears spots members of the crowd smoking it during her performance. Due to her lip-synching, she can’t simply stop the performance, so gives up dancing and walks around all shitty. You can even hear an audience member ask “what is she doing?”.

4. 55 Ducks Crossing The Road

There’s power in numbers! Well, that’s the strategy these 55 ducks took to crossing a busy road.

5. Sound Of Music | Central Station Antwerp (Belgium)

One of the few flashmob’s I really enjoy. I think this is due to the mix of Julie Andrew’s harmonic voice and how well it was executed.

6. Shoes

This is what made me fall in love with the hilarity of YouTube. One word. Shoes, betch.

7. Sloth Crossing the Street – I Believe I Can Fly Version

Anything is possible, if you just believe.

8. Can You Solve This?

I think I appreciate this video so much more because of my personal relation to these questions. She sums up their relevance quit nicely.

9. X Factor 4, ep 2, Rachel

Scrap what I said before; this is fierce. I have no way to honestly describe this girl, who claims she is “better than Madonna”. Even if she doesn’t get signed to a label, she has “made her own cassette”.

10. Jesus Will Survive – Jesus Christ! The Musical

Now this is a man of God I will go to church for. Preach it sister!

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I don’t mind a glass of chardonnay. Or ten.

One of the greatest obstacles I come across in my life is a habit to overdo everything. One drink turns to ten, watching a few episodes of Pretty Little Liars turns to the season, and a slice of cake soon turns into Jenny Craig’s worst nightmare. I become infatuated with food, songs, alcohol, T.V., smoking, and snorting coke (just kidding folks) that by the time I think its time to stop I am forced to because, well, there is simply nothing left.

Although I am still a teenager, I am thankful that I can buy a cask of wine and consume the majority of it in one sitting, with my peers thinking nothing of it. God help me for when the day comes that they turn to me and ask “don’t you think you’ve had enough, Maddo?”. Because although I know my consumption of various things is in a large quantity, it happens to be the light at the end of the tunnel for my schooling week.

Concerned parents and friends, fear not, as I am not an obese alcoholic smoker(?). I just strongly believe that life can be much more appreciated intoxicated. With emotions heightened and no fear for bursting into song and dance, what’s not to love? Much to my disgust, there are only few times a year I can convince people to drink alcohol with me for the sake of getting drunk. This is why I love the months of summer.

My friends seem to love it, and even want to do it again, but as soon as the cool winds set in something changes. There is a need to be bored on winter weekends, sit around and mope the inevitable question “what do you want to do?”. I want to pop open the cask of chardonnay under my bed and dance, to be frank with you (Que. Bootylicious by Destiny’s Child).

Maybe I’m being unreasonable, and should step back and look at this from a more mature point of view. Or maybe I should just follow the season as it makes its journey around the Earth?

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Baby I Was Born Into An Unfair Society

In a country that has a woman as a Prime Minister, various religions peacefully co-existing and a culturally diverse community, it would appear that Australia is a land of equality.

One in ten Australians, however, do not have the same equal rights as the rest of the nation. By law, marriage between two partners of the same sex is illegal. Within South Australia, it is also illegal for a person with a sexual orientation other than heterosexual to adopt a child individually. This nation-wide discrimination of lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgendered people is spread straight from the law books into today’s community. A recent study showed that over 25% of LGBT youth are forced onto the streets after coming out to their parents. Furthermore, figures show that LGBT youth are up to “four times more likely to commit suicide than their heterosexual peers”.


These distressing statistics highlight how important it is for not only the adults of our community to be given equal rights, but for our children, to help prevent these monstrous events occurring.

Some argue that it’s about religion; others argue it’s unnatural, and some believe it would ruin the sanctity of marriage. Despite the various excuses for discrimination, ten socially advanced countries have proven that marriage equality has little to no negative effect on the country or its heterosexual inhabitants.

In recent years, polls have shown that 80% of Australians aged 18 – 24 want to see same-sex marriage become legal. However the Australian Government, which appears to remain as narrow minded as John Howard, has left the Marriage Act intact.

Former PM, John Howard, made himself extremely clear since his first days in office on where he stood not only on gay rights, but the gay community. Refusing to offer his support in the January 1997 Sydney Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras exposed the nation to his bigoted attitudes, with him later commenting that he would be “disappointed” if one of his children identified themselves as gay.

The 2007 election, in which Howard lost, proved that with acceptance and more equality of the LGBT community, less discrimination would be cast upon them. With the Labor Party openly supporting the LGBT community, public opinion on them changed immensely. This shift can be viewed in polls taken from the time, such as an online poll from The Age in 2008; in which 79% of readers believed that same-sex couples should have the right to marry.

The facts speak for themselves. With members of our society being treated as second-class citizens, there will be intolerance towards them. These human beings are kicked out of home, beaten to a pulp, and fired from their jobs all because of something as uncontrollable as one’s race.

Who in their right mind would prefer to see a child alone in an orphanage, without a family who loves them, than to be raised by two doting people of the same sex? Who would rather see members of the community take their lives, instead of vowing to spend the rest of it with a gay partner? No matter sexuality, gender or race, we are all human – and we all deserve to be treated like one.

For the LGBT community, coming out never really ends. One can come out to their nearest and dearest, but they still have to come out to others. Do they bother to correct the person who assumes they date women? Do they let their employers know? All they ask is for the Australian Government to come out and state that being of a different sexual orientation is okay in the eyes of the law. To have their union formally recognized. To be able to stand in front of their family and friends and share their love – that’s what it takes to undo years of prejudice against the LGBT community. That’s what it takes to let people walk freely from the closet, not to have it deconstructed around them.

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B Is For Bullyshit

Bullying has been around since the dawn of time. It simply is human nature, and I’m tired of teachers looking upon students as if they’re Satin reincarnated if there is a situation turned sour. No doubt we have all experienced some form of bullying throughout our life,  and the fact that teachers persist in trying to end this age old problem bewilders me. I’m not trying to defend the perpetrator, more so looking upon it in a logical way.

The hypocrisy between staff and students is what bugs me the most. Even in my thirteenth year at my school, there is a bullying talk approaching in a few weeks. The same hogwash is going to be forced into students minds as has been the previous years, resulting in everyone being afraid to ‘slip up’ in the days following. The apparent perfect and non-bullying staff that give these talks must know that they’re preaching total bullshit, and if not, I am concerned about them. The number of times throughout school I have experienced teachers bullying (in one form or another) students, and at times other staff members, leaves me to believe there is no hope. In some cases it’s even teachers bullying kids to hang out with another kid.

The same aftermath can be seen on students after the ‘Safe Drinking’ presentations. The teenagers freakout for a few days, reflecting on how many chances “God” has given them with alcohol, swearing to never drink like they had ever again. This lasts for a week or two, with teens finally cracking and making up for lost time by drinking more than they had before.

Some may be left to ask, what can we do about these problems? In my opinion, absolutely nothing. Children, teenagers and adults will treat other people according to their morals, how they were raised and generally whether that person is an absolute dick-head. Whether they pick on the weak one, or pick on the ugliest, we cannot expect society to change after a few school power points. We live on Earth with around seven billion other people. How many of those people do you actually enjoy being around? Sometimes bullying can be the only way to make the others piss off.

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